The Nickname Conundrum
by sunshineditty
Summary: Sheldon goes to Penny for help (Coda after events of Episode 7.15 "The Locomotive Manipulation").


**A/N: Again, I probably shouldn't be exposed to that many hours of TBBT in one sitting. It does crazy things to my brain. By the way, this is intentionally without context of physical activity and relies solely upon you, my reader, to imagine them since this is dialogue only. I blame the fact I was working with TBBT on in the background for the way I framed it. I'm not sorry. Also, if you like Leonard and Penny as a couple, well that's one of us.**

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_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny."

"It's open!"

"It isn't safe to leave your door unlocked; I could've been a serial killer!"

"A serial killer who knocks and says my name?"

"Well, Penny, you never know the wily ways of the dangerous criminal. He could've stalked you for days and found out your name."

"Sheldon - you know what. Never mind. You're right, I promise not to do it again. Now what's up, Doc? And stop hovering by the door; just take a seat."

"Heh, heh, a clever reference to Bugs Bunny and my two doctorates. I see you've been practicing your humor. And I would like to sit, Penny, but there are clothes and … is that a pop tart? … on my chair. You obviously haven't been following the cleaning chart I made out for you." **(a)**

"It's like you don't even know me."

"But I do know you."

"Arrgh, Sheldon! Stand, sit, do whatever, just spit it out before I punt your literal butt back across the hall."

"You're awfully testy today. I checked my calendar prior to coming over and you have two weeks until your menstrual cycle begins, so you can't blame PMS for this uncouth behavior. But I will rise above it because I, ah, need your advice."

"I obviously need more wine for this, and to write tampons down on my shopping list...okay, I'm fortified. What do you need my advice on?"

"Penny, as I'm sure you're aware, Amy Farrah Fowler and I had a lovely train ride to commemorate that awful couples' holiday."

"Why are you complaining? You got to ride your dumb train and she had to be there with you. If anything, I feel sorry for her."

"An Alco FA-4 Diesel Locomotive with meticulously restored 1915 Pullman First Class Coaches to be exact. It's not dumb; it doesn't have the brain matter necessary to be sentient though of all the trains to do so, I wouldn't be surprised if the Alco would be first in line for Skynet to experiment on once they've activated their robot army."

"And just when I thought you'd run out of scary things to keep me up at night…"

"Don't distract me from my main point: she tricked me! Amy said it would be a trip we both could enjoy, and then it turned out she only wanted to try to get a little romance out of it when clearly states in the Relationship Agreement that she needs to give me seventy-two hours advance notice with the option to veto the proposal."

"And Leonard says _I'm_ unromantic."

"What was that? It's rude to mumble beneath your breath, Penny. I know you were raised in the backwoods, but surely you weren't raised in a barn."

"Why do I even bother? Ahem, I'm still not hearing the reason why you need my advice."

"Before we left, Amy and I were discussing pet names as she feels we've dated long enough to move onto the next stage in our relationship."

"Uh, most couples the next step is, you know, physical affection."

"Now Penny, we can't all be loosey-goosey with our morals like you. She's really pressing me to come up with an affectionate sobriquet by tomorrow afternoon. It's apparently even more important since we kissed on the train, but she's already rejected my very _delightful_ and witty choices of Princess Corncob, Flaky, and Fester -"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back that truck up, Shelly. What do you mean you "kissed her on the train?""

"Exactly that, Penny. It's not difficult to understand nor any reason to use my mother's dreadful name for me. Amy Farrah Fowler and I conjoined our labium superius oris and labium inferius oris for approximately eleven seconds before we went to see the train's conductor who showed us an invigorating time."

"The who-sa with the what-sa? I don't care about the gosh-damn train, Sheldon! Or anything the conductor showed you unless it was an instruction manual on how to touch a real live girl. I want to know more about the kiss!"

"Honestly, I don't understand Leonard's or your fascination with body parts touching. It's very unhygienic given human mouths house the most bacteria present in bodies."

"So, I'm not hallucinating this? I didn't drink too much and fall into a very weird dream about you and Amy Farrah Fowler?"

"GIven the centrality of my presence in your life, it isn't unreasonable for you to dream of me, but we've had this discussion before: you simply cannot allow your primitive urges to overwhelm your prefrontal cortex because you know how Leonard hates it when you compare the two of us. He gets very snotty, which in hindsight is a poor choice of words given his allergies to, well, just about everything."

"_Oh my Gawd_, Sheldon. Where is my phone so I can snap a pic? I need to document this moment as I promised your mother in the event the paradigm of your relationship with Amy underwent any changes."

"Now hold on a minute."

"Holy crap on a cracker. I've been spending_ way_ too much time with you if I'm even starting to sound like you. I knew I should've stopped when the wine started tasting vinegar-y."

"Since when do you talk to my mama?"

"There's no need to go all Texas on me, Sheldon. Your mother and I chat, oh, I don't know, about once a week. She likes to keep up with your life."

"I tell her plenty!"

"She needs it to be translated into English, Sheldon. Not everyone can think like you."

"I should hope not. I've carefully calculated it, and the time for my consciousness to be uploaded into the mainframe hasn't arrived yet. Will you stop that?! Put down your phone and cease texting while giggling. I have a sister and I know what that means!"

"Oh, stuff it Sheldon. You're acting like a normal guy for once and both your mom and Missy will get a kick out of it."

"Now you're dragging Missy into this? Since when are you two even friends?"

"Uh, since the day she visited and the guys creeped her out into staying with me. We've been Facebook friends ever since. You should know this since she posts on my page regularly." **(b)**

"As if I care about anything going on in your humdrum life. I see plenty of it taking place on the couch in my apartment. It would redundant for me to read about it on the internet."

"Well, butthead, if you did, then you'd know Missy was my friend, now wouldn't cha? I guess you're not such a smarty-pants after all."

"Oh for Pete's sake! Fine. I will ignore the fact you seem to have intertwined yourself in every aspect of my life except professionally - though that's not true either come to think of it - and steer us back from the shores of absurdity into the seas of what's truly important: my dilemma on what to call Amy."

"Your mom texted: "Good for you, Shelly-bean, but remember Jesus is watching in case you're thinking of going further.""

"As if I'd hold Amy Farrah Fowler's hand. I might have temporarily lost my head due to the burning grape juice, but I haven't lost my complete faculties. Will you put down your phone hen party and listen to me?"

"Sorry, sorry, I will wait until you're gone before mocking you with your womenfolk."

"Thank you. Now, Amy and I were debating appropriate monikers for me to use when she needs, to quote her, "a descent into the morass of unnecessary cultural constructs.""** (c)**

"Huh?"

"Romantic love."

"Ohh, yeah, I shoulda realized that from what you said."

"Exactly. Now Penny, while you are economically and mentally inferior to me, I have come to the realization you hold a much greater sense in the art of social interactions and I need your help. Obi wan Penelope, you're, sadly, my only hope."

"Ah thanks, Sheldon. That's the nicest backhanded compliment you've given me yet. So, run the list of nicknames by me again."

"Princess Corncob is my way of acknowledging her love of tiaras and corn; Gollum because she's called me her Precious a few times; Flaky, well, that's because of her Seborrhoeic dermatitis; and Fester because she's quirky like him."

"I can't imagine why she wouldn't like those."

"You know Penny, I was hesitant at first to approach you, but now I'm glad I did. I have independent confirmation of my hypothesis that Amy suffers from a surfeit of hormones and is unbalanced as a result. My nicknames are delightful. You were never upset when I started calling you Kitten."

"Wait. You call me Kitten?"

"Yes, it was February 23, 2012 during that dreadful time when my barber had the audacity to require hospitalization before cutting my hair. I did it as part of my classic Bazinga prank pulling, but upon further review it fit you well so I decided to allow it to enter my lexicon." **(d)**

"Aw, that's so unexpectedly sweet of you. You think of me like a kitten?"

"You're helpless, blind, and need constant feeding, so yes, you're exactly like a kitten."

"There you are."

"Penny, I never left. Oh dear, have you reached the portion of your evening when your consumption of alcoholic beverages has overcome your already limited intellect?"

"You know what, Sheldon, if you're going to be insulting than you can just go back to your apartment and figure out how to handle Amy_ on your own._"

"You're right, I was rude. Forgive me?"

"If I hadn't already drank a third of this bottle, I'd so go Nebraska on your ass, but I'm mellow enough to let it slide."

"If this is mellow, than yellow needs a new partner."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, ma'am. I just need to figure out what to call Amy that won't result in a filibuster of the Relationship Agreement."

"You guys are so weird. Okay, what do you think of Amy?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, when you look at her, what is the first thought that pops into your mind?"

"Shouldn't I close my eyes first?"

"What, why?"

"For this exercise to work, don't I need to close my eyes to imagine Amy? Otherwise I'm just looking at you, and you bring forth very different thoughts."

"I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what do you think of me when you look at me?"

"You are a loyal friend, stalwart shield maiden, and a fine actress."

"Oh my...Sheldon..you've just made my -"

"Bazinga! You've fallen prey to my classic prank, heh, heh, heh."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny."

"Uh Sheldon, wanna catch me up? What are you doing knocking on _my_ girlfriend's door?"

"There's no accounting for taste, Leonard. Penny doesn't have a sense of humor. And I still don't know what to call my girl slash friend slash girlfriend Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Uh, try her name?"

"Why thank you Leonard, without your input, I don't know what I would've done. You are the Cher to my Sonny, the Pop to my Snap Crackle."

"Well, while you're doing all that over there, I'm going into _my_ girlfriend's apartment and getting some snuggle bunny time."

"That's vulgar, Leonard. I don't need to know about your plans for coitus as I've been held hostage and forced to listen to her "are you in yet?" and you crying for nine minutes already once this week.

"Nine minutes is a long time! And I wasn't _crying_, I just had an attack of the allergies."

"No wonder, Penny was using the vacuum cleaner after you fell asleep."

"Vacuum cleaner?"

"Well, what else vibrates with a soft purr? That reminds me, I've been meaning to ask her where she picked up such a quiet hand held one. My Black & Decker is too loud."

"Oh dear _God_, we're not having this conversation. Penny _please_ let me in."

"Oh drat, I left my key in the bowl."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny and Leonard."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny and Leonard.."

_Knock. Knock. Knock_. "Penny and Leonard."

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**Footnote:**

**(a) Episode 5.2 "The Infestation Hypothesis"**

**(b) Episode 1.15 "The Pork Chop Indeterminacy" (Technically when they first met, they'd be Myspace friends, but I figure they've since updated to Facebook).**

**(c) Episode 4.5 "The Desperation Emanation"**

**(d) Episode 5.18 "The Werewolf Transformation" **


End file.
